Today I share a chapter from a book I am writing. This is my biggest stretch so far. For it touches the edges of PTS (post traumatic stress) and sexual wounding. I do not find value in the details at this point, but do know my perceptions and compassion come from being in the trenches of these issues.
Here is my draft chapter. Would love to hear from you if it helps you in anyway.
This is such a vulnerable chapter for me to write. I shall do my best. I would really rather you not know this about me. But that is not the way of healing. I’ll always remember the time I heard, “you are as sick as your secrets”. Learning when and where and with whom to share my secrets has been the dance of my life.
I pushed away. The wounds were just too deep. I did not fully embrace the depth of my trauma. I am not alone, I know. It is not a contest to see who has been wounded the deepest.
The details and the story no longer matter really, though they did for quite a long time. I no longer wear a badge of honor. I removed this warrior priestess badge once I came to terms with the shame, bringing it out of the closet. Letting it breathe the fresh air. Allowing dear ones to witness it and realize they did not stop loving me.
I’ve made some progress, reached a new level of bottom. A softer level, with less fear, deeper surrender, more ownership of my ‘stuff’ and willing to say I’m sorry, especially to those I have pushed away.
This is the dialogue that unfolded as I deeply surrendered. It was a conversation with my understanding of my inner God.
I cry.
I surrender to God.
I surrender to God my sexuality wound.
If it be God’s will that this be healed, then I ask God to heal it.
I do not trust my healing in the hands of others, for they have their own wounds.
I understand, sadly, that God is not well received by many. So as I share this, I will leave out the word and just start with V: as the inner Voice I was in communion with.
V: Do you want to heal.
SS: Yes I do.
V: Quiet the mind. Still the fears. The writing takes you out of the present. I can heal you in an instant. Why do you postpone your healing. Why do you postpone your return to wholeness?
SS: I do not believe it is possible.
V: Then you do not believe in me.
SS: How do I believe in you? How do I believe this healing into wholeness by you is possible.
V: I come to you through your heart.
SS: How do I heal my heart.
V: You do not do the healing. I do. All healing is from me.
SS: But some seem to heal without believing in you.
V: It is not what it seems. Do not distract away from you.
SS: Does my heart need healing in order to believe in you and to allow in my full healing to wholeness.
V: Do not complicate.
SS: I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy trying to control and protect. There is no space to allow.
V: You humans, you effort too much.
SS: What’s next?
V: You have one job. To relax and allow.
I took some time to let this settle in. Then took a walk at the lake and this next conversation took place.
V: Do you want to believe in me.
SS: Yes I do. But I don’t know how. How do I believe in you?
V: It requires tremendous spaciousness.
V: It is most common for the ego to constrict in the presence of spaciousness. You have noticed this.
V: Each time a “story” starts running in your head, of some childhood trauma, or some other obsession about an external event, this constriction is your ego rushing in to fill the spaciousness.
V: Do not worry about doing anything with the ego. Your job is not to manage the ego.
SS: What is my job?
V: Everyone has the same job, to hear me in your heart. The hearing is what integrates the heart with the mind.
S: How am I to heal my wound regarding sexuality.
V: Healing does not happen that way. Healing does not happen in a piecemeal manner. The most profound healing, the healing you seek, is for wholeness and self-realization.
V: The better desire is to ask to be returned to a realization of wholeness. Then all aspects of you get addressed and corrected.
S: I ask to be returned to wholeness.
V: And so it is. Remain in spacious self-awareness and it shall be done.
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