No Is A Complete Sentence - Day 28 Blog Challenge

This may be my most challenging post in this challenge.  For the first time I'm hesitant as to the topic I wish to explore.  I'm very tempted to just write in generalities.  I'm reminded of something I heard a blogger say recently, that he does not hit publish unless he is feeling some discomfort.  Well, I qualify on this one.

Yesterday, on my daily walk in the neighborhood, I had an encounter with a man.  I'm new to the area, and this was a neighbor I had recently met and he had joined me on a few of my walks.  It was a benign enough interaction that occurred, so my mind wanted to tell me.  Though my body was telling me different.

An elderly married family man who I barely knew, wanted to hold my hand as we walked and talked about neighborhood topics.  Bizarre yes, is what I first thought and I put my hand back in my pocket.

He spoke of being a harmless dirty old man.  I sort of tried to laugh it off, but inside I was boiling, though censoring myself.   Was it some age old cultural conditioning coming in?  Nice girls don't get angry and they certainly don't make a scene!  Shocking to witness myself still struggle with this, being that I have had my share of violence and sexual assaults in this lifetime.

These topics need to come out more.  

So here I am doing the tip toe through the land mines of discomfort.  

 
I'm taken back to decades ago, when I was healing from co-dependency.  In our recovery groups we had a few sayings that we often defaulted to.  "No is a complete sentence".   Another favorite was "What part of No do you not understand?"  We would laugh and joke about these sayings, maybe as a way to make light of a very challenging dynamic.  That of navigating ones safety in this world. 

It was in my childhood that I first remember losing a sense of being able to recognize boundaries and trust myself to declare a boundary in situations I felt uncomfortable in.  I can see the trauma event that occurred where I lost my ability to navigate my safety.

The body is a wonderful vehicle for giving us feedback as to what feels good and correct, and when we are in danger.  When we are in healthy connection with this communication sense, we have a solid navigational tool for living.  I lost mine very early on. 

Now a grown woman, with decades of healing and self awareness under my belt, and this holding hands encounter shows me I can still be triggered into confusion, doubt and guilt.  It's not my business if my saying no to hand holding will cause a hurt feeling in another.  No is a complete sentence and I do not need to justify it.

I noticed I wanted to be sure to avoid this person while I was on my walk today.  There's a clue.  I do not feel safe.  My body's navigational ability is returning.  I can recognize it now.

The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés, 

               Art by Shiloh Sophia McCloud